I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Randomize
