I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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