i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
