the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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