The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
