who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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