K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
