So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
