Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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