remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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