I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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