i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Randomize
