The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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