Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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