No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Randomize
