so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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