When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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