yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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