He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
