I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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