And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
