I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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