do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
