Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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