This dress was meant to end up on your floor
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Randomize
