my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
