ugly people sure do ruin things
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
