where does the pee come out of this thing
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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