I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
