You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
