Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
