Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Randomize
