When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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