DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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