Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
