Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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