Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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