Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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