You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
