Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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