ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Randomize
