I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Randomize
