No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
