I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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