i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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