Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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