Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
