How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Hippo gnu deer
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
