you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
