maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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