i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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