I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
